A Diary from 2016: Life Can Feel Stale

There’s something in the air. 

               Maybe it’s just in the New York City air but there’s something there and I’m curious to figure out what it is. Recently I’ve noticed that people are collectively in a rut, whether it’s finances or a life transition something is hindering most of us. Is it just a coincidence that almost everyone I know is faced with either financial burdens and/or huge life adjustments, or can it be that the energy of New York City is becoming just too hard to bear, or better yet, is this bigger than us and the Universe might be responsible for this epidemic? I myself included am affected by whatever is happening right now. I’m going through some life adjustments and trying to figure out my shit.  I honestly wish my bank had a few more commas for some cushion and ideally I’d like to figure out my purpose in life.  For a minute I thought I was alone until I started speaking to more and more people and I realized that many people are going through the motions.

                 Living in New York City is by no means easy, anyone who tells you differently is either filthy rich, taken care of by mommy and daddy, or living in a whole different reality than the rest of us. I always say those who choose to live in this city are masochists, we love the struggle and the high we get from hustling the streets each day, so it seems.  I mean, when you think about it, why do any of us choose to live here when we can barely afford to pay our overly priced rents and the means of survival is out of control. It’s not pretty here, there’s barely any trees or flowers, the air reeks of trash, the streets are infested with rats, and the people can be downright jaded and extremely rude, if not, crazy. Let’s not even start on how depressing the winters can get. With all the negatives I find myself always asking why am I still here? I once was madly in love with this city. I use to get a high from the bustling streets and the intense energy that swirls through and around the tall and powerful buildings like vibrant electricity. I thought I thrived from the lifestyle provided here, with exclusive parties, late night extravagant dinners, and all the “cool” people that populate this town. Now I’m starting to slow down, I can’t keep up with the fast-paced lifestyle.

               The truth of this city also starts to reveal itself a few years down the line once the glamour has subsided. I went to school here with so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations and now 2 years out of school I find myself in the most stagnant rut. I know I’m hard on myself but I’m confused in my position and really need guidance and clarity and it seems that this city just doesn’t take mercy on this sort of mentality. I’m far from weak and I definitely know I have the strength to preserve but for what cause? All because someone said, “If you can make it here you can make it anywhere”? That saying alone has shackled many souls to this city, afraid that if they give up on their dreams here they will never obtain them anywhere.  I use to be a believer in that idea but homegrown in southern California and well equipped with other cultures and experiences I know that I don’t have to settle into that notion and that maybe just maybe this isn’t the place where my soul will blossom and prosper. What might work for one person doesn’t mean it’ll work for me.

            Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of great qualities about this place and I guess that’s why I’ve stayed. Maybe I’m afraid to really pack up and leave this space. I have a loyal and loving boyfriend and plenty of friends but that’s it. When I went to Greece a few weeks ago I felt my soul reawaken.  Granted I was on vacation of some sort of great escape but even when I return home to California I feel much more blithe and bright.  I’m not sure if it’s just the open space and quality of life that allows my soul to feel more alert and vibrant in these places but whatever is there doesn’t seem like it’s here in New York, for me.

             I’ve also been looking into the whole New Moon Solar Eclipse phase that took place yesterday September 1,2016. This is a time where we are supposed to come into new consciousness while mercury retrograde turns its energy into Virgo. Virgo provides us new beginnings and enlightenment, here we start to look at things differently and shift our gears to a more lighthearted energy. This allows the stagnant ruts that once seemed merely impossible to alter now seem clear and effortless. I’m hoping that the funk I’ve been experiencing these past few months is soon to expire and that I can make the proper adjustments for newer and exiting outcomes.

             With all this said, I’m not sure what it is or was that has been making me feel so blah about life but I can say since yesterday I have been feeling lighter with clarity of the mind. I found myself singing graciously last night (sounded really good too) and my thoughts have been emerging on a more profound level. No I’m not saying I have found my life passion or purpose all in one day but I can feel the shift. New York’s hard demeanor will always bother me and might always get the best of me but there is something to this city that I do adore. What I’m really going through is just life. Maybe what I will learn during Virgo is that I need new life adjustments, maybe possibly making that big move or actually putting myself completely out of my comfort zone to get the results I truly desire in this life (This is Virgo speaking). Whatever it may be and whatever is to come, I’m looking forward to the journey.

Xx,

MellBell

A Diary from 2016: Time I Hate that B*tch

            This morning I woke up with a pounding pressure to be alert and attentive to the streets of Brooklyn very early. Recently I’ve added this pressure on myself to somewhat be a real “adult” because to be completely upfront guys, I LOVE sleeping in but I also beat myself up about it. When you live in a city that moves quicker than you can change your panties you tend to lose hours which seriously feels like mere seconds. I’ve been telling my boyfriend that I feel like time is fleeting from me and that I’m always on a constant chase to catch up to it and gain some time back. This feeling is brutal man, I feel like my head is cloudy and I hate that zone. To be honest, I’m just horrible at time management but I really have been working hard at being more efficient with my days and although I’ve seen some improvement in my schedule I still struggle at checking off my To Do List.  I thought for awhile that this whole not enough hours in the day thing was just the slow pace Californian in me or just a mere disrespect for time (Side Note: I hate the concept of time and being shackled to a time frame) but that idea changed during my Uber Pool ride from Brooklyn. I shared a ride with two men who were chefs in the city; they were discussing an exotic Asian cuisine menu that they were going to be serving at a private dinner in China Town.

             The moment I got in the car I was flustered and annoyed that I was running late and on top of that now I had to share a car with two men who wouldn’t stop talking about amazing ingredients and dishes while I was fucking starving. When I realized it was going to take me over half an hour to get from Brooklyn into the city in the mist of rush hour I couldn’t help but exude frustration which I’m pretty sure vibrated through my energy. One of the guys broke the tension by presenting a photo to me of the dessert they were going to serve later. The conversation quickly led to how they were two hours late and how it’s habitual for one of them to live in his own world when it came to time, something I’m familiar with.  We bonded over our passion for food and our hatred of time. It made me feel a sense of relief, like thank God I’m not the only human being in this world who can’t (doesn’t want to) get with the program we’re all subjected to. Now, calm down those of you who are getting fussy in your sits about my hatred of time and how you might find it to be a basic necessity in our world or more or less society? Some of you probably think I’m just part of a generation that is entitled and/or lazy, which can be true, but let’s think about it, no other animal has a sense of time, we’re the only species that has created a box to put ourselves in and frankly I hate that shit! I hate focusing on my hours, I wake up at 6 and I’m already worried about my 12p.m. meeting and I have 6 hours to spare! I find myself trying to beat deadlines constantly and that can be quite frustrating.

            Simply put, time overwhelms me! I understand it facilitates the process of a structured society but I really can’t deal with it. I’m just too much of a free-spirited individual to give up my natural right of no physical time! The other day Adam told me that I have something unique behind my eyes, as if I don’t see the world the same as many others. Curious by his sentimental statement I asked him what he meant by that. He ensued to share with me that he felt as if I didn’t allow the daily burden of life obstacles to sway my vision like many others fall victim to. I guess he was right, I do live in my own whelm and create my own world and most importantly my own story. I refuse to allow society to run my existence and with that I reject time, a life limiting human designed perception that we’re restricted to and this my friends is probably why I battle with the concept of TIME. I just can’t seem to accept it nor live by it; I always want to do my own thing, live in my own time. Meeting my Uber poolers reminded me that I’m only human and that most people, not just me, hate the existence of that little irking ticker we call, time.

I'm just venting...

Xx,

MellBell