A Diary from 2016: A Soul that is Free

              Twenty-three and bearing a soul that is free and entirely vivacious, dancing through the sultry New York summer air. I want to dance every night to my favorite song, let my body feel every rhythm and every beat, allow the music to feed my simple soul with vitality. On the dance floor I’m young, on the dance floor I’m free, on the dance floor I showcase my sultry being while captivating the auras around me. Slowly moving my hips and twirling my hands in the midnight air, I let the moment take control. In that moment it’s just life, and me exuding energy entirely made of ecstasy and warmth. I forget the worries that loiter over me and I greet the inner me.  She’s beautiful, majestic to some and a bit unruly. With a presence that is buoyant and skillfully intimate she’s young and unrestricted with soaring possibilities. My body heats up with every movement and every rhythm, sweet droplets roll slowly down my skin. Giving thanks to this very moment, I am blessed to be free and entirely me

Xx,

Mel

A Diary from 2017: Realigning with My Core Essence

              It’s so hard to be yourself in today’s world, we are all trying to be something bigger, better, and shinier; however, most of us aren’t doing this for ourselves but for the entertainment of others, isn’t that some shit?  So many people are scared to go back to their core essence because they’re afraid of not fitting in. I myself experienced this moment of confusion, where I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I was terrified to voice my opinions and share my true spirit with the world. Afraid of the criticism I would receive, I opted to just be a pretty face, to shut up and let my beauty lead me, then one day I felt completely empty, I had lost my vibrancy, my enthusiasm, and my hunger for life, my light was quickly dimming.

              I wasn’t the only one who felt this way; friends and family eventually started expressing their concerns to me, placing the blame on my relationship and my environment when in all reality there was no one or anything to blame but myself. I had merely lost my drive and vitality. I had an overall idea of the person I aspired to be but the up hill battle to get there seemed exhausting and nearly impossible.  I eventually began to feel overwhelmed and started to suffocate in my own failure and anxiety, life just didn’t want to ease up on me. One thing after the other, event after event, I couldn’t even believe what was happening to me. I felt more alone than I had even been. I had friends, I had family, and I had a great boyfriend, but even with all the support the dark was creeping over me and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the black abyss. My character was not the same; I lashed out and cried more than I ever had before. With my world unraveling right before my eyes something beautiful was also happening, the entire time in the back of my mind in my subconscious mind, I heard myself fighting, telling myself that everything would be okay, telling myself that this isn’t the end but the beginning, telling myself to fight, to fight for my life—to be a warrior. I didn’t know where this was coming from but it felt warm and it felt honest and in those dark days I felt that something bigger than myself was catching me as I fell rapidly like a baby bird attempting their very first flight. It told me that I was going to fall and that the impact would be hard but with the plummet I would soon elevate and I would ascent higher than I could ever envision.

            I eventually crossed paths with my spiritually, the universe and God started showing me signs and putting things into my life that I couldn’t avoid. I found solace in meditation and have been practicing peace of mind every day. I quit the job that sucked the soul out of me and I started letting go of things that no longer serve me. I read self help novels and blogs like its my job and I practice success rituals which pushed me to work on myself everyday. Everyday I work on breaking bad habits and put effort into creating a new and rewarding lifestyle. Self-reflection has been the best tool in enhancing myself, I can be honest with who I am. I can shed light on my weaknesses but also admire my strengths. I learned how to be gentle with myself but also push myself where I fall short. I am my biggest critic and I am working on fear and rejection every single day. 

           Reacquainting with my inner self and soul has been the biggest blessing that the universe has given me. Enlightenment has shed light on the indication that I am more than just a human but I am energy that is constantly flowing and cultivating. I have become more at peace, aware, and understanding of the process. I am seeing results and blessings everyday. Free from mental slavery and free from society’s shackles I know where I am going and acquiring knowledge every moment on my path and purpose. I feel inner happiness when I live for me and not for the pleasure and consumption of others. Saying hello to my inner being is the greatest gift I have ever done for myself.

Xx,

MelBell

To My Dear & Exquisite Girls of the World

               I’m writing this piece to my fellow girls, so boys sorry but you can take a back seat for this ride.  To my dear and exquisite ladies of the world I want to tell each and every one of you how distinctly beautiful you all are.  From your smile to your inner thoughts you are truly blessed to be you. I know the world makes it pretty challenging for us to be organic and raw with unprecedented standards and expectations, but I’m here to tell you that your value is unparalleled. The most endowed artist, one who makes no mistakes in his craftsmanship, created you.  You are art, crafted with detailed care from your soft skin, curved figure, to your natural intellect. Gifted with powerful responsibilities, you hold the universe’s energy, the creation of life. Men work hard in this life in hopes to one day be blessed by the touch of a Goddess. So please do not forget how naturally impressive you are, do not allow the worlds skewed vision of beauty to ever instill self-doubt into your spirit.

               We as women have to do better with one another; we cannot give in to oppressing our peers. Let’s get rid of the unwarranted hatred by infusing justified love. The encouragement from one another will continue to manifest empowerment and inner strength. For my young girls, I ask that you don’t become afraid to be bare and unfiltered.  Follow the trend that you curate for yourself, one that feels natural and makes your stomach flutter by the thought of it. Know that being unique is cherished and giving into the mold that others follow will never be self-satisfying. Start by loving yourself every morning; admire every imperfection and embrace every quirk. Once you have self-love you can spread love. I know the battle is not an easy one and there are many obstacles that hinder our love for ourselves but with inner beauty and confidence there is nothing that can mask your exquisiteness.

Xx,

MelBell

A Diary from 2016: Life Can Feel Stale

There’s something in the air. 

               Maybe it’s just in the New York City air but there’s something there and I’m curious to figure out what it is. Recently I’ve noticed that people are collectively in a rut, whether it’s finances or a life transition something is hindering most of us. Is it just a coincidence that almost everyone I know is faced with either financial burdens and/or huge life adjustments, or can it be that the energy of New York City is becoming just too hard to bear, or better yet, is this bigger than us and the Universe might be responsible for this epidemic? I myself included am affected by whatever is happening right now. I’m going through some life adjustments and trying to figure out my shit.  I honestly wish my bank had a few more commas for some cushion and ideally I’d like to figure out my purpose in life.  For a minute I thought I was alone until I started speaking to more and more people and I realized that many people are going through the motions.

                 Living in New York City is by no means easy, anyone who tells you differently is either filthy rich, taken care of by mommy and daddy, or living in a whole different reality than the rest of us. I always say those who choose to live in this city are masochists, we love the struggle and the high we get from hustling the streets each day, so it seems.  I mean, when you think about it, why do any of us choose to live here when we can barely afford to pay our overly priced rents and the means of survival is out of control. It’s not pretty here, there’s barely any trees or flowers, the air reeks of trash, the streets are infested with rats, and the people can be downright jaded and extremely rude, if not, crazy. Let’s not even start on how depressing the winters can get. With all the negatives I find myself always asking why am I still here? I once was madly in love with this city. I use to get a high from the bustling streets and the intense energy that swirls through and around the tall and powerful buildings like vibrant electricity. I thought I thrived from the lifestyle provided here, with exclusive parties, late night extravagant dinners, and all the “cool” people that populate this town. Now I’m starting to slow down, I can’t keep up with the fast-paced lifestyle.

               The truth of this city also starts to reveal itself a few years down the line once the glamour has subsided. I went to school here with so many hopes, dreams, and aspirations and now 2 years out of school I find myself in the most stagnant rut. I know I’m hard on myself but I’m confused in my position and really need guidance and clarity and it seems that this city just doesn’t take mercy on this sort of mentality. I’m far from weak and I definitely know I have the strength to preserve but for what cause? All because someone said, “If you can make it here you can make it anywhere”? That saying alone has shackled many souls to this city, afraid that if they give up on their dreams here they will never obtain them anywhere.  I use to be a believer in that idea but homegrown in southern California and well equipped with other cultures and experiences I know that I don’t have to settle into that notion and that maybe just maybe this isn’t the place where my soul will blossom and prosper. What might work for one person doesn’t mean it’ll work for me.

            Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of great qualities about this place and I guess that’s why I’ve stayed. Maybe I’m afraid to really pack up and leave this space. I have a loyal and loving boyfriend and plenty of friends but that’s it. When I went to Greece a few weeks ago I felt my soul reawaken.  Granted I was on vacation of some sort of great escape but even when I return home to California I feel much more blithe and bright.  I’m not sure if it’s just the open space and quality of life that allows my soul to feel more alert and vibrant in these places but whatever is there doesn’t seem like it’s here in New York, for me.

             I’ve also been looking into the whole New Moon Solar Eclipse phase that took place yesterday September 1,2016. This is a time where we are supposed to come into new consciousness while mercury retrograde turns its energy into Virgo. Virgo provides us new beginnings and enlightenment, here we start to look at things differently and shift our gears to a more lighthearted energy. This allows the stagnant ruts that once seemed merely impossible to alter now seem clear and effortless. I’m hoping that the funk I’ve been experiencing these past few months is soon to expire and that I can make the proper adjustments for newer and exiting outcomes.

             With all this said, I’m not sure what it is or was that has been making me feel so blah about life but I can say since yesterday I have been feeling lighter with clarity of the mind. I found myself singing graciously last night (sounded really good too) and my thoughts have been emerging on a more profound level. No I’m not saying I have found my life passion or purpose all in one day but I can feel the shift. New York’s hard demeanor will always bother me and might always get the best of me but there is something to this city that I do adore. What I’m really going through is just life. Maybe what I will learn during Virgo is that I need new life adjustments, maybe possibly making that big move or actually putting myself completely out of my comfort zone to get the results I truly desire in this life (This is Virgo speaking). Whatever it may be and whatever is to come, I’m looking forward to the journey.

Xx,

MellBell

A Diary from 2016: Time I Hate that B*tch

            This morning I woke up with a pounding pressure to be alert and attentive to the streets of Brooklyn very early. Recently I’ve added this pressure on myself to somewhat be a real “adult” because to be completely upfront guys, I LOVE sleeping in but I also beat myself up about it. When you live in a city that moves quicker than you can change your panties you tend to lose hours which seriously feels like mere seconds. I’ve been telling my boyfriend that I feel like time is fleeting from me and that I’m always on a constant chase to catch up to it and gain some time back. This feeling is brutal man, I feel like my head is cloudy and I hate that zone. To be honest, I’m just horrible at time management but I really have been working hard at being more efficient with my days and although I’ve seen some improvement in my schedule I still struggle at checking off my To Do List.  I thought for awhile that this whole not enough hours in the day thing was just the slow pace Californian in me or just a mere disrespect for time (Side Note: I hate the concept of time and being shackled to a time frame) but that idea changed during my Uber Pool ride from Brooklyn. I shared a ride with two men who were chefs in the city; they were discussing an exotic Asian cuisine menu that they were going to be serving at a private dinner in China Town.

             The moment I got in the car I was flustered and annoyed that I was running late and on top of that now I had to share a car with two men who wouldn’t stop talking about amazing ingredients and dishes while I was fucking starving. When I realized it was going to take me over half an hour to get from Brooklyn into the city in the mist of rush hour I couldn’t help but exude frustration which I’m pretty sure vibrated through my energy. One of the guys broke the tension by presenting a photo to me of the dessert they were going to serve later. The conversation quickly led to how they were two hours late and how it’s habitual for one of them to live in his own world when it came to time, something I’m familiar with.  We bonded over our passion for food and our hatred of time. It made me feel a sense of relief, like thank God I’m not the only human being in this world who can’t (doesn’t want to) get with the program we’re all subjected to. Now, calm down those of you who are getting fussy in your sits about my hatred of time and how you might find it to be a basic necessity in our world or more or less society? Some of you probably think I’m just part of a generation that is entitled and/or lazy, which can be true, but let’s think about it, no other animal has a sense of time, we’re the only species that has created a box to put ourselves in and frankly I hate that shit! I hate focusing on my hours, I wake up at 6 and I’m already worried about my 12p.m. meeting and I have 6 hours to spare! I find myself trying to beat deadlines constantly and that can be quite frustrating.

            Simply put, time overwhelms me! I understand it facilitates the process of a structured society but I really can’t deal with it. I’m just too much of a free-spirited individual to give up my natural right of no physical time! The other day Adam told me that I have something unique behind my eyes, as if I don’t see the world the same as many others. Curious by his sentimental statement I asked him what he meant by that. He ensued to share with me that he felt as if I didn’t allow the daily burden of life obstacles to sway my vision like many others fall victim to. I guess he was right, I do live in my own whelm and create my own world and most importantly my own story. I refuse to allow society to run my existence and with that I reject time, a life limiting human designed perception that we’re restricted to and this my friends is probably why I battle with the concept of TIME. I just can’t seem to accept it nor live by it; I always want to do my own thing, live in my own time. Meeting my Uber poolers reminded me that I’m only human and that most people, not just me, hate the existence of that little irking ticker we call, time.

I'm just venting...

Xx,

MellBell

A Diary from 2016: The Art of Losing Yourself

           Today I lost myself, I gave into the negative and allowed life’s test to win this round. I screamed, I cried, I acted out in pure rage and anger, I gave into the battle and felt the angst. After my emotional eruption I fell to my knees on my bare hardwood floor and wept out the developed anxiousness and anxiety I’ve curated within. I’m upset with myself and disappointed in my position, how did I get to this place in my life? Being my own toughest critic, I come down hard with the hammer because I know I can do better than what I’ve been doing. Unsure of myself and frightened by the idea of my own creativity and success I hinder my growth and settle for what I know. What’s funny about all of this is that it contradicts the very person that I’ve worked so hard to be, someone who is fearless of life and the unknown, someone who will attack their dreams no matter the risk, and most importantly someone who welcomes their passion and cultivates their desire.  I haven’t been any of these things recently and it saddens my spirit. I’ve let myself go, I’ve lost my way and I’ve allowed the road to get blurry on a clear day. There’s no tool I don’t have to achieve any goal out there. So why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so lost, confused, and honestly, helpless? With a supportive family, boyfriend, and friends I should feel blessed in more than a million ways; however, the blessings have been difficult to count these days. I’m losing my gratitude for life and that is probably the issue here, I’ve been failing to count my blessing and focusing my energy and attention on the negatives, feeding it with sorrow, worries, and fears.

               Life isn’t fair, there will be days that don’t make sense and moments that are unfortunate but it is up to me to be the decider on what will kill me and what will only make me stronger. Today I learned something about myself; I learned that I am not the person I thought I was. I’m not tough and I’m not invincible to life, for life gets the best of everyone at one moment or another. When this happens we have to be willing and able to embrace it.  Of course I know bad times are bad times and there’s nothing easy or pleasant about it but it doesn’t mean there’s nothing good about it either. There’s always a life lesson in every act we do if we look hard enough for it. Miserable times call for the best lessons (aka blessings in disguise). So as I sat on my bare hardwood floor in my Brooklyn room with my perfectly red exposed brick wall, high ceilings, and crown molding, I had to ask myself, ‘how bad is it really Melissa?’ my answer was enough to ease my pain and reboot my esteem.

               Although I’m not pleased with my recent position in the world I am working on gratitude and my inner being from this day forward. I have vowed to understand that there will be days I go off path and day’s I fall victim to life, but every time I do I will only learn a new virtue, ultimately growing stronger while developing wisdom, maturity, and humility. With the purpose to see clearer and to feel lighter I have taken an oath to be vulnerable and accepting to all emotions and to be gentle with myself, all while healing my wounds and nourishing myself with strength and power. Today I may have lost my calm but in reaction to it I earned a life lesson, and that I am grateful for.

Xx,

Mel