A Diary from 2017: Realigning with My Core Essence

              It’s so hard to be yourself in today’s world, we are all trying to be something bigger, better, and shinier; however, most of us aren’t doing this for ourselves but for the entertainment of others, isn’t that some shit?  So many people are scared to go back to their core essence because they’re afraid of not fitting in. I myself experienced this moment of confusion, where I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I was terrified to voice my opinions and share my true spirit with the world. Afraid of the criticism I would receive, I opted to just be a pretty face, to shut up and let my beauty lead me, then one day I felt completely empty, I had lost my vibrancy, my enthusiasm, and my hunger for life, my light was quickly dimming.

              I wasn’t the only one who felt this way; friends and family eventually started expressing their concerns to me, placing the blame on my relationship and my environment when in all reality there was no one or anything to blame but myself. I had merely lost my drive and vitality. I had an overall idea of the person I aspired to be but the up hill battle to get there seemed exhausting and nearly impossible.  I eventually began to feel overwhelmed and started to suffocate in my own failure and anxiety, life just didn’t want to ease up on me. One thing after the other, event after event, I couldn’t even believe what was happening to me. I felt more alone than I had even been. I had friends, I had family, and I had a great boyfriend, but even with all the support the dark was creeping over me and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the black abyss. My character was not the same; I lashed out and cried more than I ever had before. With my world unraveling right before my eyes something beautiful was also happening, the entire time in the back of my mind in my subconscious mind, I heard myself fighting, telling myself that everything would be okay, telling myself that this isn’t the end but the beginning, telling myself to fight, to fight for my life—to be a warrior. I didn’t know where this was coming from but it felt warm and it felt honest and in those dark days I felt that something bigger than myself was catching me as I fell rapidly like a baby bird attempting their very first flight. It told me that I was going to fall and that the impact would be hard but with the plummet I would soon elevate and I would ascent higher than I could ever envision.

            I eventually crossed paths with my spiritually, the universe and God started showing me signs and putting things into my life that I couldn’t avoid. I found solace in meditation and have been practicing peace of mind every day. I quit the job that sucked the soul out of me and I started letting go of things that no longer serve me. I read self help novels and blogs like its my job and I practice success rituals which pushed me to work on myself everyday. Everyday I work on breaking bad habits and put effort into creating a new and rewarding lifestyle. Self-reflection has been the best tool in enhancing myself, I can be honest with who I am. I can shed light on my weaknesses but also admire my strengths. I learned how to be gentle with myself but also push myself where I fall short. I am my biggest critic and I am working on fear and rejection every single day. 

           Reacquainting with my inner self and soul has been the biggest blessing that the universe has given me. Enlightenment has shed light on the indication that I am more than just a human but I am energy that is constantly flowing and cultivating. I have become more at peace, aware, and understanding of the process. I am seeing results and blessings everyday. Free from mental slavery and free from society’s shackles I know where I am going and acquiring knowledge every moment on my path and purpose. I feel inner happiness when I live for me and not for the pleasure and consumption of others. Saying hello to my inner being is the greatest gift I have ever done for myself.

Xx,

MelBell