A Diary from 2017: Realigning with My Core Essence

              It’s so hard to be yourself in today’s world, we are all trying to be something bigger, better, and shinier; however, most of us aren’t doing this for ourselves but for the entertainment of others, isn’t that some shit?  So many people are scared to go back to their core essence because they’re afraid of not fitting in. I myself experienced this moment of confusion, where I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I was terrified to voice my opinions and share my true spirit with the world. Afraid of the criticism I would receive, I opted to just be a pretty face, to shut up and let my beauty lead me, then one day I felt completely empty, I had lost my vibrancy, my enthusiasm, and my hunger for life, my light was quickly dimming.

              I wasn’t the only one who felt this way; friends and family eventually started expressing their concerns to me, placing the blame on my relationship and my environment when in all reality there was no one or anything to blame but myself. I had merely lost my drive and vitality. I had an overall idea of the person I aspired to be but the up hill battle to get there seemed exhausting and nearly impossible.  I eventually began to feel overwhelmed and started to suffocate in my own failure and anxiety, life just didn’t want to ease up on me. One thing after the other, event after event, I couldn’t even believe what was happening to me. I felt more alone than I had even been. I had friends, I had family, and I had a great boyfriend, but even with all the support the dark was creeping over me and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the black abyss. My character was not the same; I lashed out and cried more than I ever had before. With my world unraveling right before my eyes something beautiful was also happening, the entire time in the back of my mind in my subconscious mind, I heard myself fighting, telling myself that everything would be okay, telling myself that this isn’t the end but the beginning, telling myself to fight, to fight for my life—to be a warrior. I didn’t know where this was coming from but it felt warm and it felt honest and in those dark days I felt that something bigger than myself was catching me as I fell rapidly like a baby bird attempting their very first flight. It told me that I was going to fall and that the impact would be hard but with the plummet I would soon elevate and I would ascent higher than I could ever envision.

            I eventually crossed paths with my spiritually, the universe and God started showing me signs and putting things into my life that I couldn’t avoid. I found solace in meditation and have been practicing peace of mind every day. I quit the job that sucked the soul out of me and I started letting go of things that no longer serve me. I read self help novels and blogs like its my job and I practice success rituals which pushed me to work on myself everyday. Everyday I work on breaking bad habits and put effort into creating a new and rewarding lifestyle. Self-reflection has been the best tool in enhancing myself, I can be honest with who I am. I can shed light on my weaknesses but also admire my strengths. I learned how to be gentle with myself but also push myself where I fall short. I am my biggest critic and I am working on fear and rejection every single day. 

           Reacquainting with my inner self and soul has been the biggest blessing that the universe has given me. Enlightenment has shed light on the indication that I am more than just a human but I am energy that is constantly flowing and cultivating. I have become more at peace, aware, and understanding of the process. I am seeing results and blessings everyday. Free from mental slavery and free from society’s shackles I know where I am going and acquiring knowledge every moment on my path and purpose. I feel inner happiness when I live for me and not for the pleasure and consumption of others. Saying hello to my inner being is the greatest gift I have ever done for myself.

Xx,

MelBell

A Diary from 2016: The Art of Losing Yourself

           Today I lost myself, I gave into the negative and allowed life’s test to win this round. I screamed, I cried, I acted out in pure rage and anger, I gave into the battle and felt the angst. After my emotional eruption I fell to my knees on my bare hardwood floor and wept out the developed anxiousness and anxiety I’ve curated within. I’m upset with myself and disappointed in my position, how did I get to this place in my life? Being my own toughest critic, I come down hard with the hammer because I know I can do better than what I’ve been doing. Unsure of myself and frightened by the idea of my own creativity and success I hinder my growth and settle for what I know. What’s funny about all of this is that it contradicts the very person that I’ve worked so hard to be, someone who is fearless of life and the unknown, someone who will attack their dreams no matter the risk, and most importantly someone who welcomes their passion and cultivates their desire.  I haven’t been any of these things recently and it saddens my spirit. I’ve let myself go, I’ve lost my way and I’ve allowed the road to get blurry on a clear day. There’s no tool I don’t have to achieve any goal out there. So why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so lost, confused, and honestly, helpless? With a supportive family, boyfriend, and friends I should feel blessed in more than a million ways; however, the blessings have been difficult to count these days. I’m losing my gratitude for life and that is probably the issue here, I’ve been failing to count my blessing and focusing my energy and attention on the negatives, feeding it with sorrow, worries, and fears.

               Life isn’t fair, there will be days that don’t make sense and moments that are unfortunate but it is up to me to be the decider on what will kill me and what will only make me stronger. Today I learned something about myself; I learned that I am not the person I thought I was. I’m not tough and I’m not invincible to life, for life gets the best of everyone at one moment or another. When this happens we have to be willing and able to embrace it.  Of course I know bad times are bad times and there’s nothing easy or pleasant about it but it doesn’t mean there’s nothing good about it either. There’s always a life lesson in every act we do if we look hard enough for it. Miserable times call for the best lessons (aka blessings in disguise). So as I sat on my bare hardwood floor in my Brooklyn room with my perfectly red exposed brick wall, high ceilings, and crown molding, I had to ask myself, ‘how bad is it really Melissa?’ my answer was enough to ease my pain and reboot my esteem.

               Although I’m not pleased with my recent position in the world I am working on gratitude and my inner being from this day forward. I have vowed to understand that there will be days I go off path and day’s I fall victim to life, but every time I do I will only learn a new virtue, ultimately growing stronger while developing wisdom, maturity, and humility. With the purpose to see clearer and to feel lighter I have taken an oath to be vulnerable and accepting to all emotions and to be gentle with myself, all while healing my wounds and nourishing myself with strength and power. Today I may have lost my calm but in reaction to it I earned a life lesson, and that I am grateful for.

Xx,

Mel