A Diary from 2016: The Art of Losing Yourself

           Today I lost myself, I gave into the negative and allowed life’s test to win this round. I screamed, I cried, I acted out in pure rage and anger, I gave into the battle and felt the angst. After my emotional eruption I fell to my knees on my bare hardwood floor and wept out the developed anxiousness and anxiety I’ve curated within. I’m upset with myself and disappointed in my position, how did I get to this place in my life? Being my own toughest critic, I come down hard with the hammer because I know I can do better than what I’ve been doing. Unsure of myself and frightened by the idea of my own creativity and success I hinder my growth and settle for what I know. What’s funny about all of this is that it contradicts the very person that I’ve worked so hard to be, someone who is fearless of life and the unknown, someone who will attack their dreams no matter the risk, and most importantly someone who welcomes their passion and cultivates their desire.  I haven’t been any of these things recently and it saddens my spirit. I’ve let myself go, I’ve lost my way and I’ve allowed the road to get blurry on a clear day. There’s no tool I don’t have to achieve any goal out there. So why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so lost, confused, and honestly, helpless? With a supportive family, boyfriend, and friends I should feel blessed in more than a million ways; however, the blessings have been difficult to count these days. I’m losing my gratitude for life and that is probably the issue here, I’ve been failing to count my blessing and focusing my energy and attention on the negatives, feeding it with sorrow, worries, and fears.

               Life isn’t fair, there will be days that don’t make sense and moments that are unfortunate but it is up to me to be the decider on what will kill me and what will only make me stronger. Today I learned something about myself; I learned that I am not the person I thought I was. I’m not tough and I’m not invincible to life, for life gets the best of everyone at one moment or another. When this happens we have to be willing and able to embrace it.  Of course I know bad times are bad times and there’s nothing easy or pleasant about it but it doesn’t mean there’s nothing good about it either. There’s always a life lesson in every act we do if we look hard enough for it. Miserable times call for the best lessons (aka blessings in disguise). So as I sat on my bare hardwood floor in my Brooklyn room with my perfectly red exposed brick wall, high ceilings, and crown molding, I had to ask myself, ‘how bad is it really Melissa?’ my answer was enough to ease my pain and reboot my esteem.

               Although I’m not pleased with my recent position in the world I am working on gratitude and my inner being from this day forward. I have vowed to understand that there will be days I go off path and day’s I fall victim to life, but every time I do I will only learn a new virtue, ultimately growing stronger while developing wisdom, maturity, and humility. With the purpose to see clearer and to feel lighter I have taken an oath to be vulnerable and accepting to all emotions and to be gentle with myself, all while healing my wounds and nourishing myself with strength and power. Today I may have lost my calm but in reaction to it I earned a life lesson, and that I am grateful for.

Xx,

Mel